UFFL fans. Welcome! That?s right, it is the dawn of out 4th prestigious event, and holy sh*tballs am I excited about this one. Once again my dominant personality has allowed itself to have a few hours off to relax and let the journo in me call the weigh ins. I know in the past there have been some talking points that have left you confused, excited, hell sometimes even a little hard. Well this time is no different. In fact it was altogether f*cked up!
So first things first I would like to apologise for the delay in brining you this report and the fact that it is not live. About 72 hours ago we had a bomb threat placed on the Eiffel Tower where the weigh ins were originally scheduled to take place. With all the UFFL staff, and the many prestigious celebrities due to bear witness, we just couldn't take the risk. So in partnership with Pokerstars dot com, we boarded an exclusive casino cruise liner, and headed to international waters!
I've seen Jack Nicholson playing poker, Michael Clark Duncan shooting craps, and Vanilla Ice dropping 25 g's on 3 blackjack hands. The P*ssycat dolls have been partying it up in the hot tubs, Woody and Wesley have been calling out everybody on the half court, and Hef has been walking around with a train of smoking hot fillies! Around about 2pm local time yesterday the weigh ins started. I'll complete the story in chronological order????
Sherri (167lbs) vs Hunter S Thompson (195lbs)
In a fight which is still in debate about whether or not it will make it to air, I witnessed something I found slightly bizarre. It all started normally when HST walked onto the deck dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and swatting at imaginary bats. Needless to say, despite his attempts to get the crowd on his side with topical humour he was customarily booed like hell. Having been in an intense training camp for the last couple of months I was at first confused about this, until Sherri came out and gave me two good reasons why the crowd were on her side! After weighing in, out of the blue came some beats from the Tannoy system and a rap battle started. I sat there shell shocked as the two UFFL debutants spat rhymes back and forth like a lyrical guitar hero competition. If their fight goes the same way this went then Sherri could be in trouble, cos lets face it - just like cooking, driving, and maths, woman are light-years behind when it comes to freestyle rap!
G_Row (256lbs) vs Fast (231)
In a fight that has ppl buzzing around the underground, we are seeing the debut of an old dog who is attempting to show that he really can learn new tricks and ride with the young guys. G_Row has caused some major debate around UFFL HQ by already calling out the champion before his first fight. This resulted in a mixed reaction from the crowd. Some cheered his lack of respect, and I assume that these are followers of similar fighters such as the Diaz brothers and Josh Neer. Other's in the crowd who have built up an affinity to the existing roster took exception to his arrogance and threw rotten fruit. G_Row in what I can only admit was a moment of genius, picked up one of the described food items and proceeded to eat it and spit the pips out at the ppl who booed. Another newcomer to the UFFL, Fast emerged and quite clearly looked nervous to be in front of a crowd. I have heard some good stories about this guys talent, but he has never performed in front of more than 30 ppl, so the nerves are quite clearly getting to him. Or so I thought. Once he stepped off the scales, Fast offered his hand to G_Row to shake. Surprisingly G_Row leaned forward to accept this gesture, and Fast cheekily pulled his hand to his face placing his thumb against his nose and wiggling his fingers. They had to be separated and dragged off the deck in different directions. This one could be a barnstormer!
CJL (185lbs) vs Hackbennys (224lbs)
In a fight of The Islands, this weigh in went off without a glitch, and pretty much as expected. First of all the curtains opened and the pulsating beats of Cyprus Hill's remix of Son of A Preacher Man surrounded the ship. On cue, CJL emerged with a 6 footer inhaling and exhaling something she brought on board from one of her plantations. Next out was Hackbennys holding what appeared to be a voodoo doll of my intrepid reporter colleague Jade7. Strangely as he kept placing the midsection of this doll to his lips I could swear I heard ungodly wails of pleasure coming form mid-ship. After the stare off where CJL blew smoke in Hackmans face, and he replied by incanting a crop-curse, things started to get a bit strange.
The alarm system of the ship flared up and the voice of the captain came over the intercom. "Ladies and gentleman. Please stay calm and let security deal with this. We are under attack from Somali Pirates. Please remain calm and return to your quarters."
Now the screams you would expect to hear on this kind of news were actually misplaced with what could be described as derisory laughter. The intercom immediately flared up again and none other than the Prez himself addressed the crowd "Hahahahahaahah, the NLF will never learn. It's them guys, they think they can thwart a show at the last minute. I call all UFFL staff members to show them the error of their ways. I HAVE SPOKEN!"
Our security team, fronted by WM immediately came out all guns a blazing. Strangely I could have sworn he was in a jungle somewhere, but nonetheless he was there to lead the cavalry. As you would expect, all the main card fighters immediately ran to the main deck where NLF suicide bombers were swarming over the deck. In what worked out as a nice little warm up session our illustrious fighters quickly disposed of the threat. Everyone laughed heartily at the NLF blood on their hands. Except CMJ of course, who was sat in the corner pulling out his toenails??
USMC (205lbs)* vs Kevbo Jones (205lbs)
After the little storm was calmed down, we got on with the rest of the weigh ins, starting with this tense match. In the fight of the evening where the two fighters are most closely matched in physique, you could feel the hatred burning bright as the Nevada sun. Kevbo Jones came out first doing some showboat skipping. He hopped on the scales stark naked for no reasons whatsoever, and proceeded to start hitting on one of MTX's ring girls. One of the entrances to the deck exploded! And out walked USMC with a smoking RPG in one hand and the head of a NLF infiltrator in the other. *After putting these down for a second to weigh in he picked the severed head up and threw it at KBJ. "Listen here you **** ****** **. You come in here saying *** to *** about *** and ****. You are going to ****** die you **** *****". KBJ didn't back down as some would think. He immediately got up in USMC's face and literally b*tch slapped him. After an almost frozen 2 or 3 seconds of shock, it took 16 stewards to pull back USMC. If he can harness this anger and use it in tonight's match, this match has FOTMFN ? written all over it!
TheButterflyBee (244lbs) vs Caveman Jesus (215lbs)
CMJ emerged to the deck followed by none other than Christopher Walken himself to what can only be described as a choreographed dance routine. He then proceeded to weigh in talking to what I can only imagine were make believe ladies, talking about spheres and other such nonsense. In all fairness to CMJ though, his physique was something special. If you could focus past the hair you could see muscles rippling on muscles. I wouldn't expect anything less from an opponent of mine though. As I emerged and stepped onto those hallowed scales, I could see the look on some of my fans faces. I'm not going to lie some of them started crying. They had obviously read my blogs and know what training I have put myself through, but to see the scars that this has left on my body had a truly sobering effect. But like I have said previously I need to be impervious to the most twisted of situations and I know I am now, so I shook hands with my opponent and walked straight past him focussed on what I have to do.
THE MAIN EVENT
ArlovskiViaKO (240lbs) vs Little Kang (133lbs)
Nothing occurring at the weigh ins can really encapsulate this fight the way UFFL co-VP Thug4Less has done in his write up. The size difference is obvious. The contempt that the champ feels for the challenger is clear. The spoils of battle are as big as they can get. The challenger came out first with a ****y swagger unbecoming of someone that has come so close to defeat on both UFFL occassions. The champ had obviously decided to play up on this fact, and in what some have described a Titostunt ? came out wearing a "Lucky Kangs" t-shirt resplendent with Kang dressed as a Leprechaun and eating a bowl of multi-coloured cereal hoops. Words were shared between the two while they were posing for the obligatory photo opportunity, but as there are some children who may read this I will refrain from letting you know the words that were shared. All you need to know was that it started with Kang looking at the champ and saying "Your T-shirt fails."
So there we go guys, there is nothing left to do except watch the event unfold. I need to go back to my locker room and get a rub down and eat some chicken. I'll check you all on the flip side. Until then I will leave you with our resident s*x kitten to call the action.
Love you all. x