Glad you're not dead ( I didn't think you were ) and clean ( grain of salt but hopefully you actually are ).
I thought it was really chitty you left some people wondering but maybe you had you're own reasoning so i ain't judging.
People do strange chit sometimes when they're depressed and i don't think many people understand fully what real depression is actually like even when you are trying your best to do everything in your power it's a struggle to shake it and it's hard to feel right again when it just keeps coming back sometimes for no apparent reason. After a while of that it's like everything is numb and you enjoy nothing and life has no meaning. It's an aweful, aweful dread feeling that doesn't wanna leave no matter how hard to try to be consecutive and strive but most people can even fathom what it's like to deal with that so again i ain't judging.
Its tough being an entitled junkie from nothern cali bro.