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HappyHamer

Tell a joke, make me smile

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This is a thread where you can post a joke, and hopefully put a smile on someones face. Please keep any posts within forum rules, ie no swearing or racism. I'll go first.

 

A man is driving long when he is pulled over by the police.

The Officer approaches him and politely asks "Have you been drinking sir?"

"Why," asks the man " is there a fat girl in my car."

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Here's another.

 

After a recent check-up a guy goes to the doctors for his results only to be told he is dying.

"How long have I got?" he asks the doctor.

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten what?" says the man, "months, weeks?"

The doctor looks at him and replies "Nine, eight,seven..."

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A man rings up the hospital, and when the call is answered he says " My wife is pregnant and her contractions are 2 minutes apart,"

"Ok," says the doctor, "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot!", replies the man, "This is her husband."

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A man called his job and told his boss that he wouldn't be able to make it to work. When asked why he said that he and his wife were having a baby. His boss offered his congratulations and said he would see him tomorrow. The next day, the man shows up to work and the boss congratulates him once again. "So, is it a boy or a girl?" The man looks at his boss and smiles, "We won't know for another 9 months." ;)

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A panda bear goes into a restaurant and orders a meal. When he has finished a waiter approaches, and the panda stands up, whips out a pistol, shoots the waiter and runs out the door. The police are baffled, and call in a biologist for advice. The biologist shakes his head at their ignorance. "That's easy. He was a panda bear- he eats shoots and leaves."

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A man goes to see the doctor, and complains of soreness in the joints, cramping in the muscles, spots in front of his eyes, poor digestive performance, loss of libido and general lac of vim. A battery of tests is performed, and the man returns to the surgery for the results. 'I'm sorry, Mr Jones, you are reaping the rewards of a highly dangerous lifestyle. You've contracted a brand new super virus called GESH - a lethal ****tail of Gonorrhea, Ebola, Syphilis and Hepatitis. The only treatment I can offer you is to keep you in a room with no windows and feed you on an exclusive diet of Cream Crackers and processed cheese slices.' 'Doctor, I'm confused. That sounds like a pretty unorthodox cure?' 'Sorry Mr Jones, that's not a cure. It's all we can fit under the door.'

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A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. "Luckily all our suites are still available. Would you like the bridal?"

"Naw thanks," says the Texan, "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

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O man, I love a good joke.

 

A man goes to the doctor, and while in the exam room, he says "Doc, I have a real problem, do you think you can help me with it?" The doctore replies, "first off, you have to quit masterbating." The man says, "why?" Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to exam you."

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A 7am, a woman hears a key in her front door and her husband comes in to the house, drunk, dishevelled and with lipstick on his collar.

"There had better be a very good reason as to why you come home at 7 in the morning." says the angry wife.

"There is," he replies. "Breakfast."

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3 guys stranded on an island, find a geenie lamp and rub it, out comes the geenie and says ill give each of you 1 wish

 

so the first says i miss my family i wish i was home, and poof he was home!

 

the second man says to the geenie, "geenie is miss my family too" i wish i was home, and poof he was home!

 

the 3rd man says geenie "im lonely, can you bring my friends back"

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3 guys stranded on an island' date=' find a geenie lamp and rub it, out comes the geenie and says ill give each of you 1 wish

 

so the first says i miss my family i wish i was home, and poof he was home!

 

the second man says to the geenie, "geenie is miss my family too" i wish i was home, and poof he was home!

 

the 3rd man says geenie "im lonely, can you bring my friends back"[/quote']

 

That's great! It made me laugh out loud! :D

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Dad and mom are having sex in the bedroom and in walks Timmy, their little 5 year old boy. Timmy's jaw drops as he is looking at Daddy on top of Mommy like that and runs out of the room crying.

 

Dad looks at mom and says "well I better have a talk with Timmy."

 

Dad gets dressed and walks toward Timmy's room when he hears strange noises coming from within.

 

Dad opens the door and there is little Timmy f*cking Grandma!!!!

 

Appalled Dad yells "Oh my god!?!"

 

Little Timmy, still crying looks over at Daddy and says "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it"?

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During the winter, kids like to pee their names in snow. Chuck Norris does it in concrete.

 

They originally planned on sculpting Chuck Norris' head onto Mt. Rushmore. Unfortunately, the granite was not hard enough for his beard.

 

Yeah, that's all I got...

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