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The Onion, summing it up pretty damn well (for a fake news site..)


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I Mean, If I Lose To Mitt Romney, I'll Probably Kill Myself

 

BY BARACKOBAMA INCUMBENT CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OCTOBER 25, 2012 | ISSUE 48?43 | MORE COMMENTARY

 

Well, here we are. Less than two weeks left in my reelection bid, and the race is locked in a dead heat. Though I assumed it would be a somewhat close election, I guess I?d be lying if I said I thought that with 14 days to go I?d be in such a vulnerable position. Because, when it comes down to it, my opponent is Mitt Romney. I?m not exactly running against Dwight D. Eisenhower or Abraham Lincoln or even George H.W. Bush here, you know? I?m running against Mitt Romney?a guy who has made so many conflicting statements on so many different issues that the thought of losing to someone like that leaves me severely depressed, and makes me question if I?ve maybe wasted my entire life. Truth be told, if I do lose on Nov. 6, I think the odds are pretty good that I?ll kill myself.

 

Yeah, I?ll definitely commit suicide if I lose the presidency to Mitt Romney.

 

I think that would be the best, and even the healthiest, thing for me both personally and professionally. The prospect of welcoming President-elect Romney to the White House, or watching Mitt Romney take the oath of office, or continuing my life as a president, husband, and father who lost the most important position in the entire world to the guy who ran the Salt Lake City Olympics just doesn?t seem very appealing to me. In fact, it makes me wish I were dead.

 

The question is: Do I even deserve to live if I can?t beat Mitt Romney? And I don?t think I do, really. That?s why I?ll more than likely be packing a little gun with me on election night. Because the sooner I can end it all, the less pain I?ll feel.

I mean, wouldn?t you kill yourself if the U.S. population felt that Mitt Romney?a man who basically wrote off half the American population as entitled victims incapable of taking care of themselves?was a more viable leader than you? Wouldn?t you take your own life if a massive segment of the citizenry basically said, ?You know what, you ended the war in Iraq, you passed health care reform, you saved the auto industry, you repealed Don?t Ask, Don?t Tell, you had 32 straight months of job creation, and you killed Osama bin Laden, but sorry, I?m going with Romney??

 

Of course you would. Just reading that sentence makes me want to reach for my pen right now and jab myself in the throat over and over and over again. Hell, I considered killing myself last week when Colorado and Virginia suddenly became a toss up. The first African-American president in the history of the United States loses his reelection bid to none other than?Mitt Romney. Mitt ****ing Romney. The only way I could look at myself in the mirror if that happened would be if there were a ****ed shotgun lodged in my mouth.

 

I hope you don?t think I?m overreacting. In fact, I think my attitude is just about right. Mitt Romney spent the past year blaming me for setting a withdrawal date for our troops to leave Afghanistan, but then in our last debate he not only set a withdrawal date himself, but picked one that was identical to mine?2014. Nobody seems to give a **** about that. And that must mean nobody really gives a **** about me. It?s like I?m living in the goddamn Twilight Zone and nothing I?ve done matters at all. Look, a world in which people believe Mitt Romney is a better communicator than me is a world I don?t want to live in. So that?s why I?ll either hang myself in the Lincoln Bedroom or slit my wrists right there in the middle of the Oval Office. I haven?t decided which yet.

 

Oh, and in case you?re wondering, Michelle is totally fine with me killing myself. She?s all for it. In fact, she said she?ll probably kill herself too, because she doesn?t want to be the wife of someone who lost to Mitt Romney. I certainly can?t blame her for that. Actually, if once all the ballots are counted, it turns out that that spineless, weak-willed **** wins the highest office in this land, I think my entire family might just gather in the Rose Garden, hold hands, take five cyanide pills?one for Bo ?and go away forever.

 

Mitt Romney makes me want to drive a scalding hot nail into my eyeball. He?s a piece of ****ing dog **** who has done nothing in this world except figure out how to say things people want to hear in order to get what he wants. He?s a gutless ********** pig ****.

 

I want to be on the record saying that before I commit suicide.

 

Thank you, and God bless America

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I truly find this meme of Romney being the perpetual flip flopper with no core of any kind - who will lie abiout anything and eveything to win - rather laughable' date=' especially considering Obama has lied and changed positions beyond contemporary comparison. But hey, since when does the left care about being objective or honest?[/quote']

 

Translation: Mitt Romney may be a turd but Obama's bad, mmmm'kay?

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On a side note' date=' obama really does deserve a bullet through his cranium (by his own doing) if for no other reason than betraying those who died protecting others whom he himself refused to do his duty to protect.[/quote']

 

Translation: Mitt Romney is going to lose so I'm clinging to Fox propaganda like a good Glenn Beck acolyte should with the hopes that it may sway someone who isn't functionally retarded with a ridiculous play on emotion.

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You guys amuse me.

 

We live in bizzaro world. Where liberals are conservative. Conservatives are liberal. Up is down. Down is up. East is west. West is east. Republicans are victims of the liberal agenda. The liberal agenda is the victim of Republicans. Religion is persecuted Persecution is a religion. But most importantly of all, losing is winning.

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On a side note' date=' obama really does deserve a bullet through his cranium (by his own doing) if for no other reason than betraying those who died protecting others whom he himself refused to do his duty to protect.[/quote']

 

Entitled to your opinion but I think that's taking it a liiiittle too far. Just a little. I clearly despise Romney- as in, a ****** of his magnitude still couldn't cleanse a whale's ******- but I don't think I'd go as far as to say he deserves a bullet in his head by his own doing.

 

American lives have been lost under every president, some preventable, some not. I imagine it's much easier to say "what a failure, I wouldn't have done that" when you aren't in that position. We're all armchair generals, ya hurrrrd?

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We live in bizzaro world. Where liberals are conservative. Conservatives are liberal. Up is down. Down is up. East is west. West is east. Republicans are victims of the liberal agenda. The liberal agenda is the victim of Republicans. Religion is persecuted Persecution is a religion. But most importantly of all' date=' losing is winning.[/quote']

 

Ooh, & you should not be able to have a baby through in vitro fertilization, but you absolutely should have to have to have a baby conceived through rape. Slavery's a blessing & qualified women are found in binders.

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Ooh' date=' & you should not be able to have a baby through in vitro fertilization, but you absolutely should have to have to have a baby conceived through rape. Slavery's a blessing & qualified women are found in binders.[/quote']

 

Wait until all the Neo-Con Christian conspiracy theorists who swear up and down Obama swore in on a Quran get a hold of Mitt Romney swearing in on a Book of Mormon. Oh wait...

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Entitled to your opinion but I think that's taking it a liiiittle too far. Just a little. I clearly despise Romney- as in' date=' a ****** of his magnitude still couldn't cleanse a whale's ******- but I don't think I'd go as far as to say he deserves a bullet in his head by his own doing.

 

American lives have been lost under every president, some preventable, some not. I imagine it's much easier to say "what a failure, I wouldn't have done that" when you aren't in that position. We're all armchair generals, ya hurrrrd?[/quote']

 

Big difference between lives lost as a result of circumstances vs willful negligence. In my years of active duty I never once heard of Bush leaving anyone hang out to dry; though I will cede I do have a bone to pick with him about certain other things....

 

 

I honestly dont wish Obama harm, but I do hope & pray for him to be held accountable to a high degree - criminal prosecution not withstanding.

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Big difference between lives lost as a result of circumstances vs willful negligence. In my years of active duty I never once heard of Bush leaving anyone hang out to dry; though I will cede I do have a bone to pick with him about certain other things....

 

 

I honestly dont wish Obama harm' date=' but I do hope & pray for him to be held accountable to a high degree - criminal prosecution not withstanding.[/quote']

 

Both cases have those circumstances... It's a difference of 4 people being killed at an embassy in a foreign country and 3000 dying on American soil.

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Whatever it takes to put a smile on your face' date=' babe :D[/quote']

 

Big difference between lives lost as a result of circumstances vs willful negligence. In my years of active duty I never once heard of Bush leaving anyone hang out to dry; though I will cede I do have a bone to pick with him about certain other things....

 

 

I honestly dont wish Obama harm' date=' but I do hope [b']& pray [/b]for him to be held accountable to a high degree - criminal prosecution not withstanding.

 

I'm sure Jesus, your church and its clergy, and your wife would be proud of you hitting on a random internet stranger as some form of petty backhanded attempt to troll someone.

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Whatever it takes to put a smile on your face' date=' babe :D[/quote']

 

Well now kev's sad because he sides with me on most issues & you've never called him babe. Good job. He's also sad because I think on some level he wants to believe you're trolling, but then you say things that make his mind explode out of sheer wtf-that-makes-no-sense-oh-wow-he's-being-serious-ness.

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Well now kev's sad because he sides with me on most issues & you've never called him babe. Good job. He's also sad because I think on some level he wants to believe you're trolling' date=' but then you say things that make his mind explode out of sheer wtf-that-makes-no-sense-oh-wow-he's-being-serious-ness.[/quote']

 

 

Normally I try to be a crowd pleaser but I do have standards :cool:

 

 

 

I'm generally a true believer in most of what I say, and make no apologies for it. Thats why I appreciate it when those whom I disagree with are completely honest and put it all out there - I respect that beyond words. At least when your honest you can proceed with a real conversation, and not waste time arguing semantics.

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