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My joke.


Megasoup

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My best joke:

 

Before I begin, let me start off by saying that I've been telling this joke for years.While there may be some true things from my actual experience while stationed in South Korea, really...all of this is utter bull****. But each and every time I tell it, I do my damndest to make it new and fresh. Certainly, a few of you have heard me tell this. But, first!...let me try to set the table for you.

 

There are some very important fundamentals that must be in place for this joke to be told correctly. Sure, timing is one of them. Oh, and the audience; we always have to make sure that we have the right crowd for whatever joke we're telling or soap we're selling; the right people to talk to about homeopathic remedies or what's new and exciting in the continually developing science of the internal combustion engine.

 

You gotta' know your audience.

 

But, I can't pick and choose that on facebook, so we're just going to have to wade through this mother****er, all accounted for.

 

Another critical element is that I pitch this sonofa**** as a real and true story that happened to me. That it turns out to be a joke and a punchline is a surprise.

 

When readint this, you have to picture me delivering it. If you've ever had a conversation with me, any conversation (and surely you have,) you know I can't do it sitting down. I stand up and flail my arms, involuntarily gesticulating each and every thought and idea. I am loud and I grin from ear to ear, pointing in every direction and seeming to have a radio in my ear whereby an unseen, play-by-play analyst fumbles through a thesaurus for me so that I can cast out some of the wildest turns-of-phrase and craziest, rarely heard synonyms for some of the most basic ****ing things that could easily be said using ordinary language. I can't help this.

 

Ideally, I'm in a room full of rough dudes with fifteen minutes on their hands. The rougher and rowdier, the better. The joke is best told with my audience riled up and excited(which usually happens,) interrupting with lewd comments. It makes the joke even longer, but no one knows there's a punchline coming and it really helps "sell" the idea that it's a true story. It gets everyone involved!

 

I can easily achieve all of this because of the very first line I drop...

 

"Let me tell you about the first time I had sex with a hooker when I was a young soldier in South Korea!"

 

This stops everyone right in their tracks. I continue, damn near line for line:

 

"When I first got to South Korea, I was just a young soldier, only 21, and I was really excited about seeing this new and strange country for the first time. Aaaaaaaand...I might have been sorta' anxious to get some **** going on with one of those good-looking prostitutes!"

 

A big smile appears on everyone's lips. Someone good-naturedly says something lechurous and daring.

 

"But, before I coud do that...I had to do a lot of things to get a pass."

 

The crowd's heart falls a little, knowing that it might take a moment before I get to the good stuff. But, they are engaged. One or two of them empathizes with what might have been a harrowing ordeal for me, oh so long ago.

 

"You see, when you're in the military and you get stationed overseas, you have to do a little thing called 'inprocess' in order to leave the base. (my note: in the Army, I think it's called a post. But, I've never allowed myself to be burdened by these semantics.) It's the military and they have to make sure that everyone is accounted for, to keep everyone safe. It's all about security."

 

Everyone nods in agreement.

 

Rushing through so that I don't lose their attention, I implore them to feel the pain of my dilemma. "You know the Army is! You gotta' stand in line and account for every goddamn thing! In this computer age, you still have to walk around the post with a friggin' manilla envelope and have everybody check off what you've done and who you've seen! They won't let ya' leave 'til you've visited every goddamn part of the post! The PX and the Red Cross! The Chaplain and the place where you go for sick call! Hell, you even gotta' get signed off at the mess hall!"

 

Everyone seems to be in agreement here, even though most, if none have ever served. But based on their dim understanding of what life is like in the military, this all sounds about right. Someone inevitably chimes in about hour our government is "****ed up."

 

"It's a long process! It takes weeks!"

 

"Anyway, somewhere along the line I got rousted out of my bunk early in the morning on a Sunday. There was a wildfire that started up near some rocket pods, and since I was part of the ammo platoon, I was one of the few that knew how to move these things around with a crane. We all got our **** together as fast as we could and rushed on out to Camp Greaves and got to work. We were slingin' pods aroun' as fast as we could, 'cuz we didn't know what would have happened if one of them woulda' caught on fire. We might've made it just in the nick of time!" (By the way, this really happened. Up to this point in the story, all of this is true.)

 

"A couple days later, a bigshot General came down to visit us and we had a ceremony where we were locked up at "attention" in formation. He put us "at ease" and told us how proud he was of us and gave each and every one of us a coin, which is sorta' like a medal, except you don't wear it on your uniform." (This, too, really happened.)

 

Everyone is with me now. They feel proud to have a genuine hero in their presence and forget about the "good stuff."

 

"So since I was, at least for a short time, considered a 'super-soldier,' I was issued a one-day pass to go out to the 'ville. Well, you gotta' remember, I was a 21 year old soldier with washboard abs and I was in the best shape of my life! I hadn't been with a woman in months and the first thing I wanted to do was go to one of those little clubs and get myself one of them 'lil Korean girls!!!" (Come to think of it, damn near everything about this story IS true!)

 

They are more anxious than ever. So, I go on with something that's usually a hell of a lot more profane than:

 

"So, I go on out to the 'ville, just outside our gates. I didn't really know where to go, but that was okay because what I wanted was everywhere! I ask around a little and someone directed me to a little club down 'Suicide Hill,' which is where everyone falls on their **** when it snows. I get into the club and talk to the house 'Ma' and she takes me to one of the little rooms up stairs and I wait. I didn't have to wait too long when the most beautiful girl I had ever seen comes on in. Well, I wasn't going to sit around and wait, was I?"

 

Everyone nods in agreement. Someone shouts something awful.

 

"Yeah, I was on it like Sonic! I ripped off my clothes and her clothes and I threw her on the bed and just gave it to her like she ain't ever had! I was poundin' and flingin' her little **** aroun' the room like a jackal! I don't care what you boys think you do, when I get down, I get down! I don't care what her profession was, she ain't ever had it like I was dishin' out!!!"

 

The room erupts with excitement and shouts of approval. Everyone wants to be the loudest. Everyone wants to chime in with the most outrageous insertion. The room is mine.

 

"Yeah, that little chick got roughed up, that night! She kept sayin' 'Jalmosdoen gumeong! Jalmosdoen gumeong!' like it was gonna' save her life! Hell, I knew she was lovin' it, then. So, I just kept on jackhammerin' away and she just kept screamin' out 'Jalmosdoen gumeong!' so that I knew! That was one helluva' night! I'll never forget that girl! Yeah, Jalmosdoen gumeong."

 

It's just too much for my listeners. By this time, everyone has thrown out their filthiest best and we all relax in our own metaphoric sense of orgasmic euphoria. The room grows quiet and everyone has a real and true sense of contentment.

 

"But I still had one last thing I had to do in order to complete my inprocessing."

 

This softens my audience up a bit. But, I really delivered and they knew they owed me their attention to finish the story. There were content to bask in the afterglow of the revolting and beautiful image I had cast . And, something else might come of all of this, if they continued to listen.

 

"We're a strong nation and part of that strength comes with it the responsibilty of developing friendly relations with the inhabitants of these countries. I, just as everyone else, had to participate in 'Korean Friendship Day," which was where a soldier is sponsored by a local Korean family and we participate in some sort of traditional Korean activity." (This is the kind of pure, unadulterated horse-**** that I sometimes come up with.)

 

"I was lucky to have been placed with a very warm and friendly family and we did quite a bit more than thing. We went out to have dinner and visited a musem and we even played miniature golf."

 

"I know what you're thinking, 'miniature golf?' Well, golf is a very popular sport among Asian people and Korea is such a tiny country, that they don't have room for full-sized golf courses. So, miniature golf is a very popular past time in their country." (Lies, lies, lies! Additionally, anyone who is even vaguely familiar with geography is probably aware that Korea is not really that small.)

 

"As you can imagine, everyone kicked my **** on every hole. I have never played golf before and not much miniature golf, either. But, it was still fun and I wasn't worried about being competitive."

 

I'm starting to lose the room, now. That's okay, because this is the time where I begin to become extra animated, extra loud and almost racist, even.

 

"Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, an old man that I have not seen before feebly comes up to take a swing!" This was said at a shout, with strategic pauses and with me pantomiming each and every move that the 'old man' supposedly made. All eyes are on me, now.

 

"It was his favorite hole. Someone hands him a putter. He slowly and arthritically steps to the ball that someone had placed on the putting green. Nobody says a word, 'cuz you know how Asian people are with their elders."

 

Everybody nods in agreement because, apparently, they all know how Asian people are with their elders.

 

"And with one magnificent kung-fu stroke, he strikes the ball with the putter which goes into the clouds mouth, over the three-part hump, past the windmill and straight into the hole! It was a hole in one!!! It was a tremendous shot!!!"

 

Everyone takes this in, marveling at the feat of this make-believe senior citizen from a land far, far away.

 

I continue, "No one said a word. Everyone stayed quiet for what seemed like an eternity. It was awkward. You could cut the tension with a knife. I had to say something. I couldn't take it anymore! I searched my brain for what little of the Korean language I knew...something that would express approval. Something complimentary; the highest praise for a master performance that can be given."

 

"Suddenly, it came to me."

 

"I begin to slowly clap and I solemnly say 'Jalmosdoen gumeong.' 'Jalmosdoen gumeong.' And then he looks at me...incredulously!"

 

"He says to me 'What do you mean 'wrong hole?'"

 

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Hey bro, I posted this in your other thread, here it is again just in case you missed it.

 

@Megasoup I read your story, my condolences.

 

As some of the people on this forum already know I'm an independently wealthy man that owns dozens of enterprises across the world and a handful in the Continental U.S. You say you're currently in California? If so, it's possible I may have a job for you. It wouldn't be a long term job by any means but the pay would be well worth your time.

 

One of the businesses I own in Cali is in the Adult Film industry. The job would consist of being a fluffer for an Untitled flick set to be released this August. The only details I can disclose is that the film will be a gang-bang exclusively for BBC's. It's hand over fist but you wouldn't have to participate in any of the sodomy and could remain fully clothed while you were working.

 

Shoot me a PM and if you're interested.

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You're a veteran? I don't know if I like you a little more, or myself a little less.

 

Lmao he is not a veteran

 

I don't know why, because I don't consider myself all that defined by my time in the service...but surprisingly, I take offense to that. I guess I don't like people saying I am something other than what I am.

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I now consider @WarWest someone I truly dislike on this forum; a petty, petty man who battles people on the internet. There are some more vocal posters that stand out a little; usually more for their small-minded negativity, but I can't say that I keep track of anyone. It's one of the more unfortunate phenomenons of life that we tend to remember people more who are negative that those whose selfless contributions (however big or small) enhance our lives. But on this Memorial Day weekend, for some troll who in real life is probably nothing more than a useless butter of a man to say that I have never worn a uniform...that really grates me.

 

I'd like to call for a moderator to ban this idiot, because of the timing and the gravity of this sort of disrespect, but it probably won't happen. So go to hell Warwest, you prick.

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That long post and you're still not a veteran LoL

 

You should be ashamed for claiming it

 

of all the things you lie about on this forum to seem cool this is the one thing you really need to be ashamed of. next to your name should say sucker of ****s. maker of mouth soup.

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Everyone knows WarWest is a pot smoking criminal. He calls himself a vet but he served in the Navy which is just coast guard on steroids lol.

 

Megasoup made it through weeks of army boot camp then got kicked out for throwing a tantrum & punching out his CO ( because he's not a internet tough guy but a real life tough guy ) because he had the nerve to call him a name, and give him orders or whatever and then he got a dishonorable discharge. Yes sir he is a true veteran and an american hero! Go Joe.

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That long post and you're still not a veteran LoL

 

You should be ashamed for claiming it

 

of all the things you lie about on this forum to seem cool this is the one thing you really need to be ashamed of. next to your name should say sucker of ****s. maker of mouth soup.

 

Why claim to be a veteran? It's disrespectful to the true veterans that gave their lives for the country they love. That's what memorial day is about, honoring those fallen heroes

 

Not honoring a guy that has never served his country

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That long post and you're still not a veteran LoL

 

You should be ashamed for claiming it

 

of all the things you lie about on this forum to seem cool this is the one thing you really need to be ashamed of. next to your name should say sucker of ****s. maker of mouth soup.

 

mods ban this rustled weight cutting can.

 

@mcmax3000 @little_kang

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Everyone knows WarWest is a pot smoking criminal. He calls himself a vet but he served in the Navy which is just coast guard on steroids lol.

 

Megasoup made it through weeks of army boot camp then got kicked out for throwing a tantrum & punching out his CO ( because he's not a internet tough guy but a real life tough guy ) because he had the nerve to call him a name, and give him orders or whatever and then he got a dishonorable discharge. Yes sir he is a true veteran and an american hero! Go Joe.

 

I would never smoke pot, I'm doing something with my life

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I now consider @WarWest someone I truly dislike on this forum; a petty, petty man who battles people on the internet. There are some more vocal posters that stand out a little; usually more for their small-minded negativity, but I can't say that I keep track of anyone. It's one of the more unfortunate phenomenons of life that we tend to remember people more who are negative that those whose selfless contributions (however big or small) enhance our lives. But on this Memorial Day weekend, for some troll who in real life is probably nothing more than a useless butter of a man to say that I have never worn a uniform...that really grates me.

 

I'd like to call for a moderator to ban this idiot, because of the timing and the gravity of this sort of disrespect, but it probably won't happen. So go to hell Warwest, you prick.

 

I agree that most people tend to lean to remembering negativity, but in this setting you need to learn to roll with the punches and stop being a huge gaping vagina.

 

@Megasoup‌

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That long post and you're still not a veteran LoL

 

You should be ashamed for claiming it

 

Fair enough that some of Soups seem pretty out there

 

But how does you calling yourself a veteran carry anymore weight on the internet than Soup calling himself a veteran

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That long post and you're still not a veteran LoL

 

You should be ashamed for claiming it

 

Fair enough that some of Soups seem pretty out there

 

But how does you calling yourself a veteran carry anymore weight on the internet than Soup calling himself a veteran

 

hes more believable becauseh e doesn't post long bull**** stories and try to pas half of them off as real and half as Fiction when in reality there is no difference between any megasoup threads.

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I don't believe anyone on here doesn't believe that I was in the Army. I just think some of you are being little weiners; reaching for a cheap and easy metaphorical finger-poke, a la Jon Jones.

 

I don't really care one way or another about my time in the service, but I must acknowledge that it was a considerable enough chunk of my life. I don't rate it all that highly on my list of achievements, as I was a poor soldier and can't say that I was all that disciplined. PT was the only time I ever found myself engaged. I was never a part of any battle and my enlistment did nothing for our country. It was an important element of the joke, however. That is the only reason it got a mention the other day.

 

But a bunch of soft-belled little internet geeks ragging on me...yet again...well, that gets a little tiring.

 

This is the only forum I have ever been a part of. This is where I post things; this and facebook. I'm not going anywhere just because a handful of geeks feel safe and comfortable as internet bullies. Those that I refer to are small-minded men who would probably act very differently if they were to meet me face to face.

 

Crazy thing...I'm actually a very cool and friendly person if you were to know me. Really, that more than anything else would actually be the reason why you wouldn't be a jerk if you met me.

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I don't believe anyone on here doesn't believe that I was in the Army. I just think some of you are being little weiners; reaching for a cheap and easy metaphorical finger-poke, a la Jon Jones.

 

I don't really care one way or another about my time in the service, but I must acknowledge that it was a considerable enough chunk of my life. I don't rate it all that highly on my list of achievements, as I was a poor soldier and can't say that I was all that disciplined. PT was the only time I ever found myself engaged. I was never a part of any battle and my enlistment did nothing for our country. It was an important element of the joke, however. That is the only reason it got a mention the other day.

 

But a bunch of soft-belled little internet geeks ragging on me...yet again...well, that gets a little tiring.

 

This is the only forum I have ever been a part of. This is where I post things; this and facebook. I'm not going anywhere just because a handful of geeks feel safe and comfortable as internet bullies. Those that I refer to are small-minded men who would probably act very differently if they were to meet me face to face.

 

Crazy thing...I'm actually a very cool and friendly person if you were to know me. Really, that more than anything else would actually be the reason why you wouldn't be a jerk if you met me.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIcEEA6zrmA

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Everyone knows WarWest is a pot smoking criminal. He calls himself a vet but he served in the Navy which is just coast guard on steroids lol.

 

Megasoup made it through weeks of army boot camp then got kicked out for throwing a tantrum & punching out his CO ( because he's not a internet tough guy but a real life tough guy ) because he had the nerve to call him a name, and give him orders or whatever and then he got a dishonorable discharge. Yes sir he is a true veteran and an american hero! Go Joe.

 

I would never smoke pot, I'm doing something with my life

 

I once smoked pot. It nearly ruined my life. Worst decision I ever made.

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I don't believe anyone on here doesn't believe that I was in the Army. I just think some of you are being little weiners; reaching for a cheap and easy metaphorical finger-poke, a la Jon Jones.

 

I don't really care one way or another about my time in the service, but I must acknowledge that it was a considerable enough chunk of my life. I don't rate it all that highly on my list of achievements, as I was a poor soldier and can't say that I was all that disciplined. PT was the only time I ever found myself engaged. I was never a part of any battle and my enlistment did nothing for our country. It was an important element of the joke, however. That is the only reason it got a mention the other day.

 

But a bunch of soft-belled little internet geeks ragging on me...yet again...well, that gets a little tiring.

 

This is the only forum I have ever been a part of. This is where I post things; this and facebook. I'm not going anywhere just because a handful of geeks feel safe and comfortable as internet bullies. Those that I refer to are small-minded men who would probably act very differently if they were to meet me face to face.

 

Crazy thing...I'm actually a very cool and friendly person if you were to know me. Really, that more than anything else would actually be the reason why you wouldn't be a jerk if you met me.

 

What makes you think we're all internet geeks?

 

And just roll with the punches mayne

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