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A thread for jokes


KungFuMaster

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"KNOCK KNOCK"

 

Who's there?

 

"NOBODY"

 

Nobody who?

 

------------------------------

 

KNOCK KNOCK

 

Who's there?

 

INTERRUPTING COW

 

Interrupi...

 

MOOOOO!

 

 

 

Just some really lame ones I remember from elementary. . not really funny in the least. :P

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"KNOCK KNOCK"

 

Who's there?

 

"NOBODY"

 

Nobody who?

 

------------------------------

 

KNOCK KNOCK

 

Who's there?

 

INTERRUPTING COW

 

Interrupi...

 

MOOOOO!

 

 

 

Just some really lame ones I remember from elementary. . not really funny in the least. :P

 

Isn't it after that "Interupting completly uncalled for.."

 

Then while they are saying "Interupting completly uncalled for who"

you slap them across the face?

 

I did it too a guy once left a red hand print on his face. was pretty funny at the time.

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Tito Ortiz' wife goes into a sex shop and asks the clerk, "Where are your sex toys?"

The clerk replies, "Over there, on that wall."

She walks over and shouts, "That's the one. The red one. I've finally found my perfect toy."

The clerk gasps, "Uh, miss, that's our fire extinguisher!"

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Ladies and Gentlemen of the forum- I have come before you- to tell you – you have wasted your time and I really have nothing to offer you except a piece of sugarless candy or a cream-less wafer as dcent would have put it.

 

I have done it all and there is nothing left for me to do on this site.

 

This is my last trick.

 

But for making it this far, I will say this to you: “I am proud of you.” :P

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Man arrives at a fancy dress party giving a woman a piggyback.

"What have you come as?" asks the host

"A turtle" replies the man

"Who's she?" asks the host.

"That's Michelle"

 

haha

 

 

 

Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe and orders some drinks.

After a long drinking session the Giraffe is wasted on the floor and the man is very drunk.

The man goes to leave the bar and the bartender says "Hey you can just leave that lying there!" Man stop and turns to say "It's not a Lion it's a Giraffe"

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A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000. The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

 

The husband turns from the paper and says, "What?"

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A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.

 

"My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me."

 

"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.

 

"I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."

 

The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."

 

"Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser."

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An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research.

 

''How much is this one?'' he asked.

''Well that one is a monkey brain and it's $20,'' the owner explained.

 

''How much is that one?'' he asked.

''Well that is Einstein's brain and its $100.'' he explained.

 

''And how much is that one?'' he asked.

''That one is Dana White's brain and it is $500'' he explained.

 

''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked.

The owner replies, ''Well it has hardly been used!''

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A man walks into a bar and asks for 5 shots of vodka. The bartender says "Thats a lot mate, whats wrong?"

"I just found out my youngest son is gay".

"It's nothing to worry about mate, but anyway have this on me!

The next day he comes in again and asks for 10 shots vodka, the bartenders asks "Whats wrong now?"

"I just found out my oldest son is gay"

"Well have these on me?"

The Bartenders gets the drinks then asks "Is there anybody in your family, other than you, who likes woman?"

"Yes, my wife."

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A man walks into a bar and asks for 5 shots of vodka. The bartender says "Thats a lot mate' date=' whats wrong?"

"I just found out my youngest son is gay".

"It's nothing to worry about mate, but anyway have this on me!

The next day he comes in again and asks for 10 shots vodka, the bartenders asks "Whats wrong now?"

"I just found out my oldest son is gay"

"Well have these on me?"

The Bartenders gets the drinks then asks "Is there anybody in your family, other than you, who likes woman?"

"Yes, my wife."[/quote']

 

 

There you go.

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Cain Velasquez' date=' Rashad Evans and Forrest Griffin, a mexican, a black guy and a white guy walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says:

 

What is this a joke?[/quote']

 

considering my two best friends for 20+ years now are a black dude and a mexican dude (I am the honkey) I LMAO@ this

 

This past Monday morning the teacher asked all the little kids what their dads did for a living. All the usual answers came up until it got ot Lil Johnny...

 

after a brief pause and a sigh, lil Johnny says " My daddy is an exotic dancer at a gay nightclub and on really good nights nice men pay him to go in the alley and do them favors."

 

Shocked, Teacher pulls Lil Johnny aside, "My goodness Lil Johnny, is that true about your father?"

 

another pause and sigh.." No teacher, my Daddy plays for the Dallas Cowboys and I was afraid if I said that in class the kids would laugh at me."

 

 

 

 

Go #4!

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  • 1 month later...
  • 11 months later...

Paddy walks into a bar at midday & orders 3 pints of Guiness, sits at a table & takes a sip out of each one in turn & does this until all the pints are finished.

 

After the third day of doing this the barman finally asks him why he drinks in this strange manner.

 

"Well" says the Irishman, " I have 2 brothers & we have all moved away to seperate parts of the world but this is a tradition the three of us decided to upkeep in memory to all the years fond memories of being together".

 

The barman thought that was fair enough & continued to see the same man every day for the next few years & he bacame well known in the pub.

 

One day Paddy walks in, normal time, goes up to the bar & only orders 2 pints.

 

The pub falls silent and watch as Paddy takes a seat at his normal table & continues his normal ritual but without the third beer. Obviously fearing the worst the barman quietly approaches Paddy & gently puts his hand on his shoulder & says, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must be devestated".

 

Paddy bursts into laughter & says "no, no, no. Its nothing like that, don't worry.

 

I've just quit drinking".

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A Man and his wife live on top of a giant hill overlooking a gun store.

 

One Day the man goes to get a new hunting rifle at the gun store.

 

When he gets there him and the owner of the store are trying out new optics.

 

The man uses the optic to look back up at his house and sees his wife and another dude, both naked running around the house.

 

"Are you a good shot?" The man asks the gun store owner.

 

"Yes." he replies.

 

"My wife is cheating on me, can you shoot my wife in the head and the guys **** off? I'll pay for the two bullets."

 

The owner looks through the scope of his rifle and says.

 

"Two won't be necessary, I can get it in one."

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